Disney Debacle

They say it is the happiest place on earth. I've been there a few times in my life and I can testify that I loved it there. I sure was happy. I would sure be happy if I could find my way back there again.

I talk to the kids about going to Walt Disney World about once every year. I send for the vacation video and watch with anticipation. I always hope that somewhere in my budget is a few dollars to start saving for a journey to my mouse mecca. Sadly, there just never is.

I've been a single parent for pretty much most of my children's lives. When I was married, I still was serving as the primary parent while he focused on his military career. You do what you have to do when you become a parent and I have accepted the responsibilities that come with the position. It is a life-long commitment that brings me more than I ever thought it would.

I always said I never wanted children in high school. We would speculate about our futures and mine never included little ones toddling around. I knew after babysitting that children were alot of work. It was permanent overtime with no pay. Sure, they are benefits, but once you accepted it there was no backing out. You are locked in for life. So, my prediction of my future in high school never included rugrats.

It is amazing how things change when you are in love. I got that nesting bug really bad and then ......"poof"......out popped my first commitment. Talk about life changing. Did you know that 24/7/365 never ends? That's how much time I needed to spend raising my baby girl bundle. I spent the first year of her life figuring out what kind of parent I wanted to be and what my beliefs were. I knew this foundation would be life-affecting, so I needed to get it right. Next thing I know, love blindsided me again......"poof"......out popped another commitment. My baby boy bundle added much love to my life. I really needed that too since at this point I knew single motherhood was in my future. It was the one thing I wanted to avoid, but not at all costs. I still had a pretty good opinion about being in a healthy relationship and the strength to walk away when it got bad. Boy, did it get bad.

We all survived the crash. I just tried to pick up what was left and started moving towards a brighter future. I had too. I had a commitment to uphold. I felt like a momma duck with ducklings in tow. Wherever I went, they followed without question. Quack, quack, waddle, waddle.

I went back to college and began my great career as a juggler. I juggled up to three jobs, two kids, volunteer work and lots of homework from my double major. I even gave up dating to focus on priorities. At one point, I had the opportunity for Harvard dangled in front of me. My dream school was no longer the dream for me. Graduating and getting a good job to support the rugrats was my number one focus.

I still remember graduation......magna cum laude with a B.S. and a B.A.......and two beautiful rugrats cheering me in the crowd. I wondered why I felt no sense of accomplishment. I know I was disappointed that my family or friends didn't attend, but I think it was more than that. After an 8 year journey, I think deep down I knew it wasn't over. I was right. Graduate school, here I come!

Graduation is in May. I can't wait. I am ready to move from poor college student to successful professional. I think the kids will be happy not seeing me glued to the computer for days trying to complete another research paper. That freedom is so close. Yeah!

Once again the Magic Kingdom is calling me. Too bad my checkbook says call back in a few years. I tease my kids that the mothership is calling me home. Now, I just have to find a way to make it happen. It will probably be in a few years to my dismay. The rugrats are getting big and will have to be bribed to hug "a man in a mouse suit" if we don't get there soon. I want them to feel the magic of Disney before the skepticism of being a teenager blocks their childhood ability for making-believe. I know I have a small window left, but I know where I go, they will follow. Quack, quack, waddle, waddle.

I found out today that I didn't get the job. They said that I interviewed really well, but the other person had more experience and her master's degree. I actually don't feel sad about it since I will still be there interning. Now, I have the opportunity to learn more from another professional which will make me a better practitioner. I have always been aware of the growth that this experience brings and look forward to working with someone new. I was offered something to my surprise. They want to pay me for my internship now. It's not much, but it is something. Definitely not enough for trip to Orlando or even a trip to the Cities, but it will help keep the mini-van on the road. I like surprises.

I let the kids down gently. They knew that the trip was off for this year when I told them about the job. My son asked me if I would let Oprah know. They remember when she made some wildest dreams come true last year. My daughter kept asking me to write in, but I never would. I never felt deserving. I do what needs to be done, but still working on making the world a better place. I think I need another ten years. Do you think Oprah will be on then? LOL!

As for now, I will dream of visiting the Magic Kingdom. I will continue my daily journey, but will keep the hope alive. One of these days, I'll be purchasing those tickets and making those reservations. And you know who will be behind me, following in my footsteps?

Quack, quack, waddle, waddle.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

Love Lessons

I love romantic comedies. I think I always have. I grew up hoping that although reality resides in a different sphere, romance was possible and love was all you needed. Boy, do I know different now.

I had a love talk with my teenage daughter the other day. I worry about her and when she has that "first love" experience. She can carry a tough exterior, but deep down she is a big softie. I am trying to keep communication open between us and give her as much sage advice as I can. When I reflect over the lessons I have learned, I am amazed by some of my experiences. Here's a few:

Lesson #1: Love is all you need.

Flat out lie. Love is great, but it pays no bills, offers no health insurance, or provides any security. You have to work for those things. And if you blow off the job to spend time with the one you love, you can lose the job, the house, the insurance, and any security you have.

The ex-husband and I had love. Without a doubt, it was deep. We had alot of connections in the beginning, but as things changed, so did we and in different directions. The very connections that brought us together in the beginning were not there in the end to sustain us. I think I will always love the person he once was, but that is now nothing but a memory.

In a relationship, you need more than love. There needs to be more connections than just love for it to work long term. I like the definition for companion. It is one that is closely connected with something similar. I believe that the more connections you have, the more likely you can grow together as a couple. Maybe in love, all you need is good companionship.

Lesson #2: Love can be painful bliss.

Ok. Everybody experiences the different levels on the love continuum. We get the pure joy and excitement when you go through the "I'm falling in love" stage. We all feel so happy and content when we know that we love each other. We experience that nervousness and confused love when things change in the relationship or we have that big fight. Sadness fills our heart when the one we loves betrays us in some way. It is the deep pain of loss we experience when the relationship ends and love moves slowly from the heart into the memories in your brain.

I love the feeling of falling in love. I look forward to it and those giddy feelings. It reminds me of high school and the wonderful dating scene then. That scene hasn't changed much. The only thing is that the guys are older. And by the way, has any guy in Minnesota heard of Sweetest Day? It's in October people. Come on guys.....I know it's hunting season, but can you find a little bit of romance in Too Cold, Minnesota? Ok...enough ranting. Hopefully, one day in the near future, I will jump back on the love continuum and enjoy that initial rush.

Although most people enjoy those early rushes of falling in love, I believe people prefer to remain in the happy and content continuum level. It is the place people in healthy relationships reside. If you can not get back to this place after betrayl or a big fight, you might keep heading in the opposite direction and ending the relationship. Maybe this is a reason for make-up sex....to help us recover our spot on the love continuum.

Lesson #3: Love doesn't always love you back.

"You have enough love for the both of us." Yep. I was fed this line. He knew I loved him, but was too afraid to love me back. I loved him anyways. I also had lots of tear-filled nights trying to deal with this guy. Boy, was it painful. I got the message eventually. No matter how much I loved him, he might not ever love me.

After a few more tries and some more pain, I learned about unconditional love. Loving someone without any conditions or expectations can be difficult, but is possible. My children receive it daily. With all their faults and errors, I will always give them my love. The same goes for a few select people in my life. I expect nothing from them, but will continue to love them throughout my life. They just got it like that.

I was once asked if I could love a spouse unconditionally. No. I couldn't. A spousal relationship has certain expectations and obligations which places conditional boundaries. I want that in a marital partner. Now, I would offer my unconditional care and a permenant place in my memories as long as I don't develop Alzheimer's, but that woould be the best I could do.

There are many other lessons in love. Maybe in future posts, I will continue to explore them as I continue my conversations with my children. I know they each have to experience heartbreak, loss, and love conflicts in their lives. I just hope I am preparing them properly. I always want them to know that they are always loved. If one day when they are grown, they tell me that they always felt loved, I will know that I did at least part of my job right.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

We Made It

We did it.

We baked the cookies. We fed the reindeer. We even tracked Santa online after calling NORAD to find out he was heading here next. We opened the presents. We ate the leftover cookies. We feasted on ham and other yummies. We talked to friends and relatives. We snuggled and watched the Christmas specials. We even belted out a few carols along the way.

Wow. I am tired.

At least there are leftovers to munch. There are bargains to find. There are decorations begging to return to the basement. There are new toys to play with and new movies to watch.

There were cookies to nibble. There were many smiles and surprises. There were new memories made and traditions carried on. There were pictures taken and people missed.

It was a wonderful holiday.

I hope your holiday was wonderful too.

Come to think of it, the countdown begins again. There are 364 days til Christmas.




















The Rugratz love Christmas.




Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

Merry Merry Christmas!

My family
would like to wish you
a very merry Christmas
and
good tidings
throughout this
joyous holiday season.








Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

Not Even Nervous

Tomorrow, I am going in for a job interview. What is interesting about this is that I am interning at this agency in this very role for my graduate degree. My intern is only 16 hours a week, so I would have to step it up a bit with a 40 hour work week. Plus, I would have two classes to attend to in addition, two children to take care of, a 50 mile one-way commute, and a weekly schedule of homework from hell as I wrap my grad program up.

I wonder if I am up to juggling again. I reached my burn limit last time when too many balls were in the air. Then again, some of those balls were on fire and gave me no choice but to let them go. That was when....I had a life, but my job ate it.

I actually really like my placement. Social work is a field I never knew I wanted, but flourish naturally in. Clinical social work is something I actually like to do. Maybe it is because I enjoy using my interpersonal communication skills. That micro practice of one-to-one contact or small groups is were I thrive.

When I look back over my life, I see all of the curves and obstacles in my path that I endured while trying to find my place. Just in my academic field, I traveled through engineering, nursing, education, community health and Indian studies before finding social work. But somehow, my employment life knew that helping people was where I needed to be. From working at a homeless shelter, a women's center, providing child care, being an assistant health director and teacher, an Early Head Start home visitor and classroom teacher to putting in time in children services, I have learn my role as a social helper.

I like that I am also still evolving. I know I will continue to learn and grow. What I do today, will not be what I am doing in 5 years or even 10 years. I will continue to up my game and take those next steps. I like new things so change is not a problem for me. My life continues its roller coaster ride and I enjoy every second.

As for tomorrow, I will continue to not be nervous. If it is meant to be, I will know soon enough that I will be filling in my schedule with forty hours. If not, I will enjoy the 16 hours a week I do and will walk away in May with a smile.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

Incident Before Christmas

Play da game here!!!

I like this game. Watch out and don't freeze! Enjoy!


Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

Where in the World?

Here's some photo clues about my journey.....





Can you figure out where I have been?


Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.

The Return of the Leaving

As the chorus goes....

Boy, I'm leaving you again and I thought I'd tell you when. I know how you must feel, but if your love's for real. You'd try to understand that I'm in popular demand.

When we first met, I told you how it would be. You said you understood and that you'd still keep loving me. Now, it seems your changing your mind each and everytime. One day, we will meet. You just wait and see. Because as of today, it has to be this way. Oh, wo, wo.

Boy, I wish that there was a way for you and I to stay together forever everyday. Boy, I would give you all of my love and place no one above. Boy, one day, we would meet. You just wait and see. But as of today, it has to be this way. Oh, wo, wo.

Oh boy, please tell me. Is there a way for you and I to stay together forever everyday. Oh, oh. oh. Please tell me. Do you still love me? Regardless through the way I leave, cause that's the way it has to be.

Shoop, shoop, doo wop means I'm never gonna give you up!

I've been MIA for awhile. Sometimes, my focus has to be on things I don't necessarily like, but have to do to keep moving on my path. Thank goodness I liked a few things in there. But, good news for all ye faithful. My return has come. And when I say return, I mean actual return. See, I just flew back to town yesterday as part of all the things I was doing. I did the student exchange thing and met some really great people. I took a few tours, ate some good food, and slept in a really amazing bed. Overall, as Martha would say....it was a very good thing.

Anyways, if you didn't figure it out earlier, the words in color above are lyrics to a favorite song of mine. It's called "I'm Leaving You Again" by New Edition. Here's a link on Amazon.com that let's you listen to a clip of it and other songs from the 1984 New Edition album. Scroll to the bottom of the page to the "Listen to Samples" section.

I fell for this song back in junior high in my Benji days. I think it meant something to me because we were such an on again/off again couple. Sadly to say, popularity was important to him. He wanted his friends to love him. Too bad that some of them were just plain creeps and ended up hurting him. But now, I am sure he has clarity and peace and all the love he ever needs. He'll always have mine.

Once again, back to New Edition.....LOL. When I was 15 years old, I bought tickets to the New Edition concert in Cleveland at the "Front Row Theater". It was a cool place because the venue was designed in circular shape and the stage moved slowly in circles in the middle. It was New Edition's Love Tour and the best seats we got was for the last row. We didn't care. We just wanted to go. There was one hitch. We had no ride. There was only one solution. I could drive, but only if I got my license the day of the concert. Talk about pressure. I remember practicing like crazy. I was worried about parallel parking, but somehow had managed to pull it off without hitting a cone. My only mistake was when we came upon an intersection and he said take a left. There were two lefts and I guess I chose the wrong one. I still passed and we were able to go to the concert afterall. Last row turned out to be lucky. The sound both was behind us and so were the dressing rooms. While we waited for the concert to begin, we got to see all the members either in the booth or in their dressing room. They were friendly and would wave at us too. I think I was lost in love at that moment and have never forgot it. I did manage to bring back a hat from the concert that Benji later permanently borrowed. That's ok with me because New Edition will always be connected to my time with Benji. It really was a "Love Tour" afterall.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.