Had

I loved this bumpersticker the first time I saw it. It was one of those moments were I knew it was telling the truth about my life. Somehow, some random phrase could sum up my life so quickly and easily. I think what bothered me most was its factuality to my reality.

I always thought myself to be rather ludic and whimsical. Although I always wanted stability in my life, I never wanted boredom. My adventurous spirit would wither and lose all vitality in that environment. The wild thing about this all was that this did happen and it took me a period of time to really understand what was happening to my very being.

There were many signs pointing to this and probably with big flashing arrows and a man in a hard hat saying "Warning! Stop what you are doing and turn back. This road is a dead end and can lead to death!" Sadly, I never saw those initial signs anywhere.

I think my kids and my doctor knew. They watched as my spirit dimmed and my health began to diminish. Both tried in their own ways to help, but I did not see life beyond its current stance. I had responsibilities to take care of and people depending on me to do my job. I did not want to let anyone down. I just did not know I was letting myself down and killing the very spirit inside me that gave me every reason for living.

I went to a training last year. It doesn't matter what it was about since I was only there in body. My mind was somewhere else reconnecting to my spirit. That day the reconnection woke me up and made me realized that I needed to change a "had" in my life. Not a small "had" like I had tuna everyday for lunch, but now I have ham. It was a "had" that would affect all aspects of my life. It would be a gigantic "had" that devastated a part of me. My "had" was I had a life, but now I have a job. I decided it was destroying me....physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My body was shutting down, my family was suffering, and it left my doctor trying to treat symptom after symptom. That day my mind realized it was time to change that "had" and I did.

It has been two months of being "I had a job, but now I have a life" and I love it. I was one of the lucky ones who could walk away and find a place in life and be ok. The family is very happy again, the doctor is amazed by my improvements, but most of all, I am the true me once again....alive, free and truly enjoying life again.


Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.