Love Lessons

I love romantic comedies. I think I always have. I grew up hoping that although reality resides in a different sphere, romance was possible and love was all you needed. Boy, do I know different now.

I had a love talk with my teenage daughter the other day. I worry about her and when she has that "first love" experience. She can carry a tough exterior, but deep down she is a big softie. I am trying to keep communication open between us and give her as much sage advice as I can. When I reflect over the lessons I have learned, I am amazed by some of my experiences. Here's a few:

Lesson #1: Love is all you need.

Flat out lie. Love is great, but it pays no bills, offers no health insurance, or provides any security. You have to work for those things. And if you blow off the job to spend time with the one you love, you can lose the job, the house, the insurance, and any security you have.

The ex-husband and I had love. Without a doubt, it was deep. We had alot of connections in the beginning, but as things changed, so did we and in different directions. The very connections that brought us together in the beginning were not there in the end to sustain us. I think I will always love the person he once was, but that is now nothing but a memory.

In a relationship, you need more than love. There needs to be more connections than just love for it to work long term. I like the definition for companion. It is one that is closely connected with something similar. I believe that the more connections you have, the more likely you can grow together as a couple. Maybe in love, all you need is good companionship.

Lesson #2: Love can be painful bliss.

Ok. Everybody experiences the different levels on the love continuum. We get the pure joy and excitement when you go through the "I'm falling in love" stage. We all feel so happy and content when we know that we love each other. We experience that nervousness and confused love when things change in the relationship or we have that big fight. Sadness fills our heart when the one we loves betrays us in some way. It is the deep pain of loss we experience when the relationship ends and love moves slowly from the heart into the memories in your brain.

I love the feeling of falling in love. I look forward to it and those giddy feelings. It reminds me of high school and the wonderful dating scene then. That scene hasn't changed much. The only thing is that the guys are older. And by the way, has any guy in Minnesota heard of Sweetest Day? It's in October people. Come on guys.....I know it's hunting season, but can you find a little bit of romance in Too Cold, Minnesota? Ok...enough ranting. Hopefully, one day in the near future, I will jump back on the love continuum and enjoy that initial rush.

Although most people enjoy those early rushes of falling in love, I believe people prefer to remain in the happy and content continuum level. It is the place people in healthy relationships reside. If you can not get back to this place after betrayl or a big fight, you might keep heading in the opposite direction and ending the relationship. Maybe this is a reason for make-up sex....to help us recover our spot on the love continuum.

Lesson #3: Love doesn't always love you back.

"You have enough love for the both of us." Yep. I was fed this line. He knew I loved him, but was too afraid to love me back. I loved him anyways. I also had lots of tear-filled nights trying to deal with this guy. Boy, was it painful. I got the message eventually. No matter how much I loved him, he might not ever love me.

After a few more tries and some more pain, I learned about unconditional love. Loving someone without any conditions or expectations can be difficult, but is possible. My children receive it daily. With all their faults and errors, I will always give them my love. The same goes for a few select people in my life. I expect nothing from them, but will continue to love them throughout my life. They just got it like that.

I was once asked if I could love a spouse unconditionally. No. I couldn't. A spousal relationship has certain expectations and obligations which places conditional boundaries. I want that in a marital partner. Now, I would offer my unconditional care and a permenant place in my memories as long as I don't develop Alzheimer's, but that woould be the best I could do.

There are many other lessons in love. Maybe in future posts, I will continue to explore them as I continue my conversations with my children. I know they each have to experience heartbreak, loss, and love conflicts in their lives. I just hope I am preparing them properly. I always want them to know that they are always loved. If one day when they are grown, they tell me that they always felt loved, I will know that I did at least part of my job right.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.