My First Love

I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. I was 12 years old and up to that point, not really interested in boys in general. In fact, I did not even know I loved him. It would take years for me to master the definition of what love is. But whatever it was, it hit me so deeply. I never thought one day in seventh grade would impact the rest of my life. Somehow, it did affect me and continues to be a part of who I am as a woman today.

He seemed so different from the other boys. He was quiet and followed the crowd, especially his popular friends. Even with braces and a lisp, he was totally adorable. The greased curls, the black Michael Jackson jacket and his breakdancing enamored me. This eighth grade guy who played french horn was "oh my God awesome" in my book.

It was never consistently a great relationship. There were many offs and ons. Some of my deepest downs were when we parted ways. On three occasions, I tried to leave the pain of heartache behind, only to find no success. I eventually accepted the roller coaster ride of our relationship, enjoying the time of us and dating others when apart. Eventually through some chance, we would find ourselves back together. During these times were my greatest moments of happiness. When we united in love, the joy I was filled with was indescribable.

Peer pressure was the major factor for us in our relationship. Both groups of our friends were at odds with each other and us. Our most beautiful times were just him and me alone talking about our lives and our desires. Much of our time together went unknown by friends just to keep the peace. At night, I dreamed about the day we could be away from everyone and just be together with no fear and no pressure. I always believed that day would come after graduation.

I remember the day he died. I was in Junior Achievement and went to the meeting that night on Halloween. When I got home, I had seventeen messages on my answering machine. Several were from a boy, who I call my brother. We were fighting at the time and not speaking to each other so his urgent calls left me wondering. I called my friend and she told me. I thought she was playing a joke on me. I told her it was not funny since he and I were in an off period and I would call his sister to prove it.

I can still hear her voice...."Michelle, Benji is no longer here with us....." I'll never forget those words.

I was devastated. He was only seventeen and I was sixteen. I had loved this guy so much and been through so many experiences with him in four years. I never saw this coming or that in a flash it could end permanently, but it did.

I miss him. I still remember how he said my name with his lisp and how his huge hands overlapped my own. I remember our conversations and the time he saved me from falling off his roof on his last birthday. I remember how before he passed, he made peace with my best friend. So much of him is etched into my memories and my heart and even in some of my dreams. He was my first love and will be that to me forever and eternity. It took me a long time and many years before I could accept his departure with any peace. I got stuck through several stages of the grief process, but with time and many tears, found my way to the end.

There's just one thing. His sister was wrong about what she said. He is still here....just in a different way now...still watching and loving us like he always did.

Yo te amo, Benji.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.