Abandonment and Liberation

I guess I am ready. I have been waiting my whole life for this moment. Finally, after all these years, I guess I am really ready. It begins with a story. It is a story many people know, but a few do not. Some have been keep in the dark, but not I. I have always known, but have kept quiet. To have compassion for people I have not met, I have been silent and respectful. But the day has come for me to let go of the feelings I no longer want and the words associated by it. Today, I will share the story that will help in my liberation. And, isn't it fitting that it is the 4th of July.....Independence Day.

My Story....

I have been told that my parents were high school sweethearts. Although my father lived in the local group home, my mother saw wonderful things in him. I guess it worked out well for awhile. That is until the summer before their senior year. The relationship fell apart. Before they parted ways, they exchanged some good-bye passion. Nine months later, I was born. Although my mother was overwhelmed, she managed to graduate and support me. My father was a different case.

Many people have told me stories about my dad. I have heard about his troubled childhood. I was informed that his own father had died when his mother was pregnant with him. They said his mother had a breakdown and Children Services had to remove my dad and his siblings from the home. It was explained that his siblings carried my infant dad into the woods to hide from Children Services at first, but were safely found.

I can't imagine what that was like. The pain and struggle it can cause. I wonder if it affects him today....

The story always jumps here to the adolescent years. My dad was taken in by a family. His last name changed as he sported glasses and blond hair. I don't know why is didn't last forever. He ended up at a group home attending AHS. His name went back from S. to B. Even my aunts and his friends said he was a good guy in high school. That is until the break-up and the aftermath.

I assume that he did not want to be tied down as a teen dad. It can be alot to balance and to be responsible for. He didn't have the best experience from the stories I heard and was now tied to someone he was no longer dating. He probably had grand dreams for his future and wanted other things for himself. It was just a good-bye, but it was becoming a hello. How would he choose to handle it?

I spoke with a friend of his once. He told me that when I was born, my dad felt he needed to remain separate from me. He wanted a chance out of life and could not do that with a child. He wanted to marry in a catholic church and do things the right way. The whole situation was a mistake he wished he could undo. In the process of putting space between himself and me, he said many negative things about my mother and denied being my father. He accused others including his friends. Maybe it was fear or inexperience or lack of maturity, but it would be the path everyone would be forced to walk down.

I don't know if I should say luckily or what, but he was found to be my father in a court of law. He was ordered to pay child support and his name was placed on my birth certificate. I officially became his daughter.

Yeah, right? This is where the story should fill me with happiness, but sadly it doesn't. I may have gained a father, but I really acquired something else. I gain a superpower. I became invisible.....invisible to him.

My mom and everyone else always told me that it was probably better that he was not involved in my life. I never knew if that was true, but I had other truths in my life. It was true that he was never in my life. He never gave me a present or celebrated anything with me. He wasn't there to protect or comfort me. He never visited me or checked on me when I has ill or hurt. He just never was.....

On the other hand, the picture I had of him was completely created in my mind. Yes, I had the stories to help mold my vision of him. But, it was my imagination that gave him the appearance of Tom Selleck and the voice of Mr. Roger. He had the kindness of Puff the Magic Dragon and the strength of Superman. Who he truly was, I had no clue. No picture or video to help me understand who my father was except the stories of others and the invisibility I endured.

My parents worked together at a utility company. I think my mother was surprised to find herself working so close with my father. Everyone at the plant knew about the situation. I was even on his family health plan. Yet, through all of the company picnics and outings I went to, I never met him. I was in his presence I was told, but never knew it.

It facinates me to know that although we have never met, we knew things about each other. He knew about me going to France and activities I participated in. I knew about his wife and when they had children. He has been told about each of my graduations. I knew where he lived and the truck he drove. He knew when I married and had children. I knew we both donate blood and have bad migraines. He knows his brother has met me. I know that people say I look like his sister.

I think invisibilty sucks. It is a power I wish he would take back. I have felt abandoned most of my life by him. Not so much as anger, but as sadness. There are many words that go through my head...."Am I not good enough to be his daughter?"....."Why doesn't he want me?"...."Will he ever accept me or my children?" I do not know the answers to these questions. Only he has the answers and he never shares them.

Well, something struck me today. I was looking up the word abandoned in the dictionary for my step-daughter. Towards the bottom of the page for the definition of abandoned, it says neglected child. It shocked me in a personal way. I finally found a word I connect to in regards to my realtionship with my dad. I feel neglected. Maybe he paid child support every month, but I am more faceted than that as a person. Money or even health insurance doesn't buy love. That's what I needed and that's what I wanted. I want to be loved, but I want him to choose to want to love me. At this point, I don't even know if he is capable.

I was told a story once. They said my dad had to make me non-existent to marry in a catholic church. That was the day I was given my superpower and became invisible. After years of being invisible, I am ready for my liberation. It is time to celebrate independence from being a dirty secret. It is a burden I no longer will carry.

I would like to apologize for the pain my freedom will bring to others. Freedom always comes at a cost. Remember, some people live in the dark and do not know the stories I share. For my siblings, J. and B., it will be eye-opening. For I have always known about them, yet they never knew about me. I am so happy he was there for them...coaching little league, birthdays, holidays and just life in general. May they give forgiveness to those who hid me like I have. And maybe one day, the invisibility will fade and they will choose to love me too.

Life is short. I hope it works out. Plus, I have two rugratz here who would love to know the rest of their family. I guess we will see where this story leads....

....to be continued.

Stay sweet 'n smile............................Mz.