You Don't Know Me

Tears are running down my cheek as my inner pain flows throughout my body. Some simple sentence on the internet managed to open the door to my inner core. These connected words became the magic key to direct access to the inner me that nobody sees. As I sit here alone in this room, memories and pain flood my mind. I reflect upon my feelings and can see in my mind a map to the destruction of me. It is so clear. It tells exactly where I have been and where I am going. Unlike a treasure map, there is no glorious reward marked with an X at the end. My X is the end, the end of me.

Somehow, I have to move off this path, but there are no directions. Can somehow fate be pursuaded to change and luck be created not just by chance? Can I trade in my map for a new one? Will I ever let someone into the circle of my inner core? Does that level of trust even exist?

Maybe......I tend to be a rather optimistic person and have an overflowing supply of hope.

For now, I continue to love the ones around me and hope their limited experience of me is ok. I still continue to protect the inner core, but I have taken steps to move past the conservatism. Although the idealogy of my twentysomething self has flown the coop, I am beginning to understand the wonderfulness of my thirties. As my comfort level increases, I have begun to write and tell stories of my life. I have begun the process of sharing what makes me who I am. Those very stories, thoughts and emotions fill me and are part of the process of me becoming me today and sharing them can shape the me of tomorrow. I know this will need to be a new tradition that will last a lifetime.

Then finally, maybe fate will roll the dice in my direction one day and I will get my wish. That is when I finally get to that finite X and all is said and done, one person will look back and say....

I knew her. I really knew her.

Stay sweet 'n smile.....................Mz.